Mr. and Mrs. Lagbaja are both retired civil servants and proud parents of 4 successful children
who are professionals with well paid jobs all over the world. They felt fulfilled and content with
life until everything came tumbling down. They received an sms from a hospital in Abuja, asking
if they were the next of kin to their son in Abuja. With their hearts in their mouth, they couldn’t
wait to type an sms in response but called the number immediately and affirmed that they
were his parents. The doctor on the line was trying to calm them down after introducing
himself but they were impatient to find out what was wrong with their son and if they could
speak with him. The doctor apologized but told them he was brought in dead by concerned
neighbours who had to break into his apartment after some of the neighbours’ children had
peeped into his flat and noticed he was lying down on the floor in an abnormal posture. So they
decided to break in.
The ultimate shocker for Mr. and Mrs. Lagbaja was the news that it appeared to have been a
suicide death, as he left a note. They were devastated and felt defeated. How could they have
so failed their son that he could not confide in them no matter the challenges he was facing?
They would have walked on their heads, gone to the ends of the world and back to keep him
alive. His mother was inconsolable, as she wailed that she would have happily died in his stead.
How could this happen to her? What did she do to deserve this? How could she be expected to
bury her own son? The siblings were also rocked as they had no clue that he had been battling
with depression for several months.
Everyone was devastated and simply didn’t know what they could have done or how things
deteriorated to the extent that he considered suicide. Some of his friends and colleagues who
knew about his persisting feelings of sadness were sad that they didn’t insist that he goes to see
a psychiatrist. He had always dismissed such suggestions for fear that he will be considered
weak or be shamed as someone with mental illness. ‘I am not mad, and I will get out of this’, he
would reassure them. How they wished they had not listened to him then.
What are the facts?
The World Health Organization declared suicide a public health emergency since 2012 and
estimates that at least 1 suicide death occurs every 40 seconds. The commonest risk factor for
suicide is depression (as well as other mental health challenges), accounting for 80 – 90% of
cases.
Unfortunately, ignorance, shame and stigma continue to hold people back from seeking the
professional care they need when depressed. We don’t recognize what depression is, or we
downplay its severity, as we see in the story above. Others will refuse to be seen by a
professional because of the associated shame and stigma of being labelled.
Discussion
In so many of the discussions around suicide, especially in the light of yet another reported
suicide death of a female professional, the emotional impact on the affected families is often
missing. Some of the immediate emotional reactions for loved ones may include denial, anger,
shock, feelings of guilt, frustration, resentment towards the departed as well as anyone that
may potentially have been a trigger or source of stress, loneliness, and helplessness. The family
members and close friends especially tend to feel inadequate and partly responsible for the
victim’s suicide and often struggle with overcoming the feeling. In many instances, they may
need therapy to overcome the grief.
Unfortunately, major news outlets as well as social media comments are usually oblivious of
the emotional turmoil that the family and friends are forced to grapple with. The insensitivity of
comments about what may have led to the suicide and passing judgement on the deceased as
well their families and friends are simply not helpful. It is akin to sticking a knife into an open
wound and then twisting it while the wound is still very raw. These comments are in the public
space and will be read by friends and family of the deceased. If such an individual were to be
your family member, would you be pleased to read such comments online? We can and should
be doing better.
The #unashamed campaign of the Asido Foundation to counter the shame and stigma of mental
illness in our society is greatly needed at this time, to encourage people to seek for help and
not be shamed into suffering in silence. Or dying from preventable suicide due to mental ill-
health. Visit www.asidofundation.com/unashamed and sign up to support the campaign against
shame and stigma around mental illness.
Dr Jibril Abdulmalik
Tribune Article for the column “Your Mental Health & You”
Thursday, 14th September 2023
Asido Foundation
www.asidofoundation.com
Asivuri Consulting
www.asivuri.com
