Scenario 1:
On the 18th of January 2020, tragedy befell the Bello family as their only son Jide was kidnapped and brutally murdered. JideBello was a 23-year-old first class graduate of the University of Ilorin and he had just been posted as a corps member to a university in Taraba State. The whole family was happy because Jide was the first graduate and corps member in the family.
Jide’s Father was not prepared for the phone call he received on the 10th of January that his only son had been kidnapped by bandits on his way to Taraba. The kidnappers requested for 5 million naira!
The Bellos had to sell their properties and request for loans before they were able to raise the 5 million naira. When they sent the money as agreed to the bandits, they were hopeful that their beloved son would return home. On the 18th of January 2020, Jide’s father received a picture of the dead body of their son. The family was devastated.
Scenario 2:
Segi has been dealing with her grief after her mother’s traumatic death. They had returned home from her mother’s provision store at 9:00 p.m. the previous night. They were both exhausted and retired soon after. They were startled awake around 12:30 a.m. by a disturbance in the living room. Someone had broken into their house! They scrambled around in a sleepy haze to hide but it was too late. The perpetrator barged into their room holding a gun. Segi can still remember how he pushed her mother to the ground. “Get down! I no wan see your face” he screamed in broken English. He searched around the house and when he could not find anything substantial to steal, he became angry. “I go take something today” he said looking at Segi like ahungry man. Her mother begged as the man approached Segi but he wouldn’t listen. In a desperate attempt to save her daughter from impending rape, her mother pounced on the robber. They struggled for a while, and he shot her. Segi could only watch helplessly as her mother bled to death while the intruder ran away.
Psychological Impact of the Traumatic Loss of a Loved One
Although the death of a loved one can be emotionally upsetting in any circumstance, unexpected and traumatic deaths elicit particularly powerful reactions. It is a shock as we do not expect our loved ones to die so suddenly and painfully. Traumatic losses affect everyone differently.
People who have experienced a traumatic loss of a loved one, are more predisposed to having mental health consequences. It can lead to disturbed grief, depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder.
How to Cope with Grief and Losses
People handle grief differently using coping skills. Most people will recover from traumatic losses on their own over time if they have social support and create healthy coping habits. We can’t teach people how to handle their grief, but we should be supportive and show them empathy. Below are a few tips that can help you cope better, following traumatic losses:
1. Isolation is a common reaction, as the natural inclination is to go into hiding and be left alone. But it is more helpful for grievers to speak with someone in whom they can confide and be open about their feelings. Some people who are grieving may have a friend or family member they can talk to, while others may not. Surround yourself with family, friends and loved ones. Self isolation may prolong the healing process.
2. Consider using grief resources, like grief support groups, in tandem with your support system. There are some online groups available no.
3. It can be tough to strike a balance between your grieving process and your daily activities. Allow yourself the time and space you need to process your feelings and, when possible, take breaks from grieving by trying togradually re-integrate yourself into your daily activities.
4. Embrace memories: Talking about the deceased and reminiscing about the positive memories you have had, can help to reduce some of the sadness that comes with the loss.
5. Speak to a mental health professional. This can help make it easier to sort through your feelings and help you learn healthy coping mechanisms.
Unlike the situation with the Bello family (scenarios are fictitious) where they found closure; it can be emotionally devastating when there is no information and the loved one go missing for years with no closure. Yet they must move on with their lives.
The goal of grieving is not to forget the memories of the loved one. But to reach a point where the raw pain is replaced by increased positive memories of the deceased and their essence. It is okay to continue to have residual dull ache and sense of loss, but it should be easier to bear and be accompanied by appreciation for the time spent with the loved one, and the positive memories they shared.
Dr Jibril Abdulmalik
Tribune Article for the column “Your Mental Health & You”
Thursday, 3rd February 2022
ASIDO FOUNDATION
www.asidofoundation.com
ASIVURI CONSULTING
www.asivuri.com
