Baba Goni is a 42-year-old Bank Manager who has always provided responsibly for his family. He is
proud to take care of his parents, younger siblings as well as his wife and 3 children. The younger
children are in a good boarding school, while the eldest is already in a private university. His wife is a
Pharmacist and she runs a successful pharmacy shop. He sometimes had a sneaky suspicion that she
may be making more money than him, but it was not a problem as it was his responsibility to cater for
the family and he is comfortably able to do so. Until things started going badly for him. The economic
recession hit his bank hard, and the bank retrenched more than half of the non-essential staff, while
management staff like himself were placed on half salary. This situation has persisted for 10 months
now.
Unfortunately for him, he had just taken a loan facility 2 months earlier to complete his duplex in a
choice area of Lagos Road, Maiduguri. Especially as all his friends and family had been harassing
him that he was still living in a rented apartment. However, his repayment plan took about 30% of his
salary but he was living comfortably on the balance of 70% of his salary. But with his salary reduced
by half now, he was still servicing the loan with 30%, which effectively means he only had 20% of his
usual income to live on now. Of course, this was insufficient, and he started worrying about paying
bills and keeping up appearances. If his family needed anything, he would rather die than admit that
he didn’t have the money. So, he resorted to borrowing from friends and family to cover up his
shortfalls. He increasingly became anxious, irritable and was becoming depressed.
His best friend, Ali Modu advised him to confide in his wife and re-strategize his financial expenses –
she may even be able to help him out. But he refused. His pride will not allow him to ask her for
financial support. It will mean that he would lose face and be seen as a man who could not provide for
his family. Never. I will keep struggling until things get better.
Discussion
There is a false myth that has been perpetuated since childhood, that boys – who grow up to become
men, have to be tough, and should not cry or show emotions. Any sign of weakness meant they were
not really strong boys or men. Yet we know that men and women are human beings with the same
brain and emotions. Men experience the same emotions as women – they can feel pain, hurt, shame,
rejection, loss of self-confidence etc.
Furthermore, men also suffer from mental disorders, and have a higher risk for many serious mental
disorders. They are two to three times more likely to abuse drugs than women; and are 5 times more
likely to die from suicide than women. The number of men who die every year from alcohol related
complications in the United States are more than twice (62,000) the number of women (26,000) who
die from similar causes – according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism
(NIAAA).
Yet there is a lot of shame and stigma associated with men admitting they have emotional difficulties,
talk less of seeking for help or treatment for them. It is therefore not surprising that men are less likely
than women to seek for help until things deteriorate very badly, and they can no longer pretend that all
is well. There is also the added societal pressure of stereotyping men as always strong, stoic and
quietly enduring pain without complaints as is depicted by all heroic characters from the movies to
comics and cartoons. Thus, any divergent behaviour is frowned upon and viewed as a failing or weakness; that is unbecoming of a real man. When you add the super-imposed pressure of being
financially responsible and catering for a family – especially when there are false or unrealistic
expectations of a minimum standard of comfort, then the stage is set for a crash, that may result in
emotional problems. Or some will resort to alcohol and drugs as a coping strategy – which ultimately
compounds the problem. In the case of Baba Goni, his wife was in a good position to bail him out but
his inhibitions were self-imposed.
Ultimately, many men fail to take action to protect their emotional wellbeing and would rather suffer
and die in silence. This is wrong and requires unlearning wrong concepts that have become
unconsciously ingrained, while learning new ways of doing things. One of the areas that most men
need to learn to do better is communication – to be open about their vulnerabilities. As we celebrate
Father’s Day on the 16 th June, we should encourage all men to prioritize their emotional wellbeing.
Dr Jibril Abdulmalik
Tribune Article for the column “Your Mental Health & You”
Thursday, 20th June 2024
Asido Foundation
www.asidofoundation.com
Asivuri Consulting
www.asivuri.com
